blog

posts by date (most recent at the top).

11/06/2024

scared beyond belief. losing all the hope I had. will have to drastically decrease my online presence much to my dismay. there was nothing anyone could have done to help anyway. Im not feeling suicidal (yet) which is a good sign I think. we will see what happens. i will try to stay hopeful.
10/28/2024

mid vibes all around. need to be creative but i have no time and no ideas. not much going on besides work and school. its a good balance for me though, i get enough time to spend with my friends so it doesnt bother me. i hope i have a smooth sailing remainder of my semester. will be graduated with a degree in film two months from now.
09/10/2024

haven't updated this in a while. nothing big happening besisdes artms today! i made a shirt for it but it looks so bad but my usual loona concert shirt is like dead. i deleted all my playlists on spotify recently and now everything lives in like four places instead of like 300. listening to a lot of emergency intercom. i usually rotate what i distract myself with all the time its like emergency intercom, office hours, assorted audiobooks, jerma streams.
08/18/2024

hugely depressed. i feel like a true depressive rn. i honestly cant get out of bed. i hate everything ive ever touched. i dont deserve to be alive.
08/15/2024

helloooo im really confused about everything in my life and in and around my personhood this week which is great really cool and fun. latest office hours episode was great it just ended as i type this. my evil roommate is back so im back to avoidance. im planning on deleting many apps and services from my life besides youtube spotify and pinterest. ive been off of twitter for a while but ive also been secretly on it too. my account has no followers and my feed is perfectly curated to what i want to see. deleting letterboxd will happen today - ive just written down a physical watchlist and director list and have set up a film journal. i reallt want to make something of my own. will most likely be music soon.
08/03/2024

happy august! im pretty busy at the beginning of the month and then itll peter after next week. been fishing a lot in animal crossing and watching jenny nicholson videos that ive already seen. still no new friends. im not trying very hard though. i just want everyone to be 3 dimensional but i just cant seem to find anyone. my friend's cat is 20 years old!!!!!!!! im missing his birthday party but im going over to celebrate beforehand. work is fine, i am still horribly broke even though i uber eats food all the time. idk. i think im depressed and avoidant. my advisor for school hasnt gotten back to me about switching a class so im a little pissed.
07/27/2024

truly do not understand how fast july is going by. i recently bought my first jinsoul pc because it reminded me of a funny picture she posted . rn i think my loona member ranking is gowon, kim lip, haseul, vivi, yves, hyeju, hyunjin, jinsoul, chuu, heejin, choerry, yeojin. i just cant forgive yeojin for like promo-ing eating disorders. but also like who cares about what i think. but the most important thing to see in this chart is how far yves has moved up. i was truly unfimiliar with her game, i always liked her as like gaybait but her solo music is so good and her whole like new aesthetic or whatever is so perfect. i feel bad that she wasnt really able to show her real self under BBC but thats probably the case with most if not all of the members. anyway. ive been really obsessed with haseul lately like shes just so beautiful i cant get over it. like this outfit is destroying me shes so beautiful.

07/15/2024

need to finish reading this yu hua book so i can read some of the other books ive bought recently... also im gonna start movie-maxing again i need to regain my attention span.

07/13/2024

god im so depressed.

07/09/2024

trying to get out of a class i really dont want to take. either theyre gonna be like lol no fuck you or hopefully im able to do an independant study course and write a long paper... im preemptively making a couple pitch presentations for some topics i want to cover. so hopefully i get out of it. im so horrifically stressed out i have no idea what im going to do in the future at all and i can barely get through each day.

07/08/2024

theres a trend on korean instagram reels that keeps making me laugh even though its really not funny where they play YB's cover of I guess I loved you and they dance gangnam style to the saran gene ba part and its so awesome. okay while looking for an example i found a korean news clip talking about it and its making me laugh https://youtu.be/NuMixNX3MkU?si=uhCI0BeOze6Kf17W

07/07/2024

i think i am dying i am so stressed and sad ive been staring at my wall.

07/02/2024

someone tipped me with a sandwich at work today.

06/27/2024

my days this summer are either spent at work, walking around or laying on my bed watching korean tv. going to work on a long loona edit soon as well. need to occupy my time a little better. if anyone knows where i can get a job thats related to film.. lmk.

06/22/2024

my roonmates' cat is finding solace in my room. he tried to sleep on my bed last night but i had to kick him out bc i really dont have room for anything but myself on my bed and im allergic to him anyway so if he slept with me i might die or something. i felt bad kicking him out but hes okay, he will have free reign over my room while im at work today. he just wants attention so bad. i feel really bad for him. i have a close/open shift today. im very tired. i need to carve out time today and tomorrow to read, i have too many books going at the same time.

06/18/2024

going home again. escaping my evil roommates and also the alleged heat wave without AC. ummmmmm its hot as fuck rn i had to fold and turn my fan on last night bc i literally couldnt sleep i was so hot. yeah idk i made good tips today but i was working my ass off again. oh i went to a crepe place and read and i put it on my story bc i thought it was funny like yeah i read bitch but i dont think it was percieved as that i think it was like serious. erm im so fucking tired and my back and legs and brain are in pain and i have no inspiration and i just made the actual worst mashup of two songs ever and nobody will ever hear it because its so bad but funny. anyway.

06/15/2024

god i hate my roommates. a guy came into work today wearing an aphex twin shirt it was crazy i couldnt say anything, i had to hold my tongue.

06/14/2024

watching a grimes iceberg video. i love to rot my brain. im just even-ing my day out because i walked around and used my brain a lot earlier. update: loona was not mentioned in the whole grimes iceberg video... very disappointed.

06/13/2024

yuju from gfriend's voice is so beautiful. ive been walking a lot. tomorrow ill be going to a coffee place and then going to a movie ive already seen. i just need to be out of my aparment. it was very hot here today, my back hurts. thinking about the henny queen mukbanger on instagram. what a cool lady. watching azumanga daioh. goodnight.

06/12/2024

i am officially praying for the downfall of my roommates. i need them to have a nasty breakup. its only been a month. basketball tonight! watched two bad movies today. very dissapointed. walked about two miles this morning, tried not to spend money, bought a book and a new notebook so hopefully i stop talking on here all that often. im so frustrated and depressed its insane.
06/10/2024

back at my apartment. i feel so horrible i dont want to move or do anything.
06/7/2024

i think i cursed the mavs last night, any time i drink and watch basketball, they lose! i wont do it next game i promise. i also turned off the game bc i felt bad but then it turned into me watching kpop very loud on the tv and being very annoying in general. going home for the weekend, also going to the zoo! fun! im gonna get sunburnt i can already feel it.
06/4/2024

happy june! i hate my living situation! its not horrible or anything i just feel horrible about it. like they act like they're trying to be inclusive and nice to me but in reality theyre giggling and literally having sex two rooms over while im home like guys i feel like shit like can you just wait until im not here. i keep trying to verbalize that i feel alienated in my own apartment but i dont think they get it at all. i was being all passive aggressive about it and they were like i dont want to have this conversation with you rn, youre more welcome in the apartment than youre making it seem like dude youre literally one half of the offense against me like oh my god. like im intruding just by entering the common area of the apartment. anyway. i hate these people theyre so willfully ignorant. i dont know what im gonna do until i have to go to work. ive been pushing myself really far back into kpop as a very obvious form of escapism. im gonna write a review on kpop random play dance videos because theyre very interesting to me.
05/31/2024

live report from hell part 2. being forced to watch a movie with my roommates. it hasnt begun yet but im feeling horrible and i just want to go back to my room. i dug up my earplugs so i can hopefully avoid any other sounds that may drift into my room. my over-ear headphones and one set of my airpods have failed me so i guess i have to move from listening to bullshit to listening to nothing at all. not happy about this. not at all.
05/29/2024

live report from hell - i am stuck in my room for the rest of the summer. i cant handle this situation brewing, i think i am the only person being affected. updated my portfolio today, rewatched citizen kane and watched short cuts, gave up on my latest film roll, thought about dying again. not having a great time, i really dont feel like i have any purpose to being here. i have maybe two friends at this point, i understand why but it does suck. i hate myself so much i cant handle being a person right now. going to work tomorrow though. still no ideas for anything. i want to write something, i want to film something, i want to make something. but i cant. no ideas. no people that im close to. i have nothing. ugh. i need to destroy my brain so i can be less anxious and terrified of everyone.
05/25/2024

so tired. dont want to do this closing shift. spent last night nursing one beer and watching the mavs game (fire, i like luka doncic and the mavs overall - i liked when he got the final 3 of the game and like yelled at that guy with the stupid name "YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID" it was silly i was like hand covering mouth emoji).
05/22/2024

thought i was going to die yesterday. didnt! but oh man horrible horrible day. did not feel like a normal person at all. i have no idea why.
05/20/2024

called out of work so i could stay at home all day. i dont have the energy to do anything or start anything or be creative or be a person or do anything. just subbed to the jenny nicholson patreon. will be eating sushi for dinner.
05/15/2024

quickly becoming intertwined with bum culture. drinking a lot but not getting drunk. i think my roommates are sleeping together. its hell i live in.
05/09/2024

happy first day of summer break for me.... already bored.

05/07/2024

my SATC evangelion edit is going crazy on unincorporated youtube algorithm land at the moment.

05/06/2024

just had deja vu about sitting in my room and watching tim heidecker's j0e r0gan parody.

05/03/2024

lee chang dong film festival has officially begun!!!!!!! because of it, there is an unfortunate side effect - i forgot about my love of song kang ho. and now i want to watch like everything hes ever been in. its crazy though bc as of right now ive seen 14 of his movies. like geez. down girl!!! anyway, ive been doing a lot of crappy crayon drawings. i have nothing to do. hopefully someone at one of the 6 screenings of LCD movies ill be at decides to present me with a task or decides to be my new pal. i saw a family running to catch a bus and the son (probably like 10) tripped and ate shit but then did a roll and returned to standing position and kept running after the bus but it literally just left like it didnt care at all. i also got to the movie today at 5:59 and it started at 6 like please public transit be on time for once PLEASE!!!

04/28/2024

my living situation isn't bad its just uncomfortable. i really think i need to live by myself. i cant live with people i like because ill end up hating them and i cant live with people i dont like because ill end up STILL not liking them! i cant afford to move out and it isnt that bad of a situation anyway. breifly lost my phone on the way to the Lingua Ignota concert but i rescued her. it was laying on a sewer lid thing and i had this OEC choerry clear card in the back and it made me giggle like she was teetering on the edge of being lost in a sewer. also still have tim heidecker brain. also also getting into triples.... sorry everyone....

04/16/2024

very bleak summer incoming. no friends no post-graduation prospects nothing. i'm thinking about taking a trip, but i can't drive. maybe i'll ask my mom to take me somewhere. hmm. new video out. watch it here . i really like this one. ummmmmm nothing much else going on. just sadness and overwhelming guilt. super chill. i have an idea for a short film, though. hopefully it pans out.

04/11/2024

ive been thinking so much about tim heidecker. I loved the trial. i just watched the comedy. I also listened to an audiobook narrated by tim. he didnt even write it. i dont know what is coming over me regarding this guy. also seeing the worst movie of the year - alex garlands civil war - tonight.

04/08/2024

happy eclipse day to kim lip. skipping class has become nearly chronic. finished my screenplay too lfg. feeling awful as usual. filling up my little notebook.